Online Dating in October

 

Hello, this is ‘Body Match’ call center.

How can I help you?

New member here. 

I’m, um, calling about a profile that I think is...

Violating standards?

Compromising privacy?

Missing key details.

I mean, we both swiped right and next I’d like—

To proceed,

I’ll need your username.

‘Ichabod’. Shall I spell that?

No, I got it. And your security word?

‘Pumpkin patch’.

Ok, checks out. I’m all ears now.

So as I said, we both swiped right

despite the fact she only has a faceless avatar.

I would think your site would not

succumb to catfishing.

Indeed, we don’t. We vet our clients

through and through, including you— 

Me, who can be seen by her, but

not the other way around?

Trouble is, she doesn’t have a head.

Say what?

She thinks and all—signs into your hand

like Helen Keller did, patient with your need

to also learn the code. She walks and plays guitar;

she’s functional in all regards—

But can I look into her eyes?

Not if you were blind, so why require that now?

How does she hear?

Vibrations are her inner ear, and they

don’t need a head.

How does she eat, or even breathe?

The neck has absolute aesthetics for those needs.

Not helping her appeal.

Hers? Or yours?

I’m not a snake-oil salesman, nor are you

in search for nests to raid.

You sell me short. I only asked

why she is only avatar. I long for everything

she likes—at least what she has typed.

She did create her own account, I trust?

Of course—our company does not go down

the road of bots. With that

I wish your human search the very best, this season of the yellow leaf.

 

Daniel Martin Vold Lamken (2024)